seventeen. Only Four Minutes

If you had to tell your life in four minutes what stories would you tell...why are those ones the important pieces?

Here I go, start the clock.

I was born to a middle class family and lived in that way till I was 10 or maybe it was 11. France was my last name back then and my brother and I earned every bruise we gave each other. My baby sister was born when I was in Kindergarden. I remember that day at school and I was so excited to meet her.

6 years later I was pushed into the foster care system in America, a place not so kind to many of the children that quite suddenly find themselves there. This is where my adventures begin. Moving from shacks to mansions, dark- skinned families to light skinned ones; at every turn I seemed to be hurled into dealing with conflict, anger, violence, sadness, change, beauty, connection, and a heightened awareness of others and systems moving all around me. I tried new things learning that you can only understand different cultures by doing what they do. By eating their foods, attending their churches, communicating in new ways, not being allowed to communicate at all sometimes. In my heart, I felt I failed to fit in so like a chameleon I became a master of disguise, and even through all the painful feelings that come with daily conflict- I pushed to continue to find MY path. Basketball player one day, class clown the next, I soon found myself on the other side of system- working with youth in a crisis shelters, attending college in efforts to become a better social worker then the 16 allotted to me. Ironically enough, college was the hardest time so far. Freedom brought reality. No one was around to tell me what “perfect” was anymore so every morning became a brutal  stand off between the mirror and myself. No expectations, no pretending, no subscribed family to ask when I needed some advice about a boy, or a career, or what to do about the overflowing dishwasher.

I still kept pushing, but I was no longer pushing to find my path anymore- it became clear I needed to find myself first.

I made it you know? I graduated. Oh, and I started to find myself, but only through others. I found myself while serving others and committing my life to youth work. I found myself in the conversations about holistically changing systems that always seemed to disregard the youth they were working for. I found myself looking at the world from a tall mountain of ignorance and listening to stories far different from mine, even if the cover of the book seemed the same. It became a game for me to push the statistics about kids like me so I traveled the world. I dove into the struggle of deep inner healing so I could be a healthy role model. I said yes especially when things made me scared. The fire in my belly keeps growing for travel, for love, for struggle. 

I moved to Denver and checked a dream off my list. I volunteered for my country and learned to trust woman again in AmeriCorps NCCC. I moved with this great guy to Arkansas where I worked to build new programs for homeless youth. There I learned about leadership and the power of voices from even the littlest people in our society. I had a dog, I left the boy, I drank too much sometimes. I found God again still there standing right beside me as she always had been. All those places I had traveled, all those years of looking and I finally had a sense of what a home felt like in Arkansas- especially since my sister and loving friend made the journey with me to the south.

I realized how instrumental my grandmothers deep love gave me courage when I was young.

I lost an Aunt. The one that made me feel apart of a family I never was apart of. I think about her all the time. Her laugh, the sound of a can opening,  and pink tubes of mascara remind me of her beautiful soul. I wish she hadn’t decided to leave so soon. 

My grandpa made me promise him I would go on with school after arguing with him for years that I wasn’t smart enough. His long battle with cancer finally was over and at the end of his life was a new beginning for me at the Clinton School. 

From there it’s just a whole lot of giant waves crashing through me with opportunity. I traveled to as many countries as I could exploring and spending 8 months in amazement. In awe really. It’s hard to put here what that time did for me. I still only am aware of a sliver of the lessons for my life. Gratitude.

What I learned most is that I am a amateur in most things. That we can always be doing more listening. That I am loved even as a flawed chick and that there is no need to try so hard to hide that. Humaneness. 

South East Asia became a warm place for me not only because of the foods, the traditions, the deep respect for others process- but also because it is there that I found my tribe. Design work and a team who pushes itself to be the best it can be personally and professionally is a gift and I try to treat it as such. I returned home and everything felt different. I felt different, and what I wanted before no longer made sense for me. I am still sorting through all of that. 

 Last semester at the Clinton School and back to Thailand. I have no idea how the rest of my life will go, but surrendering to that brings a strong calm.  

sixteen. David and Patrick.

Unapologetic David

Fearless Patrick.

Their big smiles entered my life a few years back when we collided on a mission to empower homeless youth to create a community of safety and meaning in an after -school program. Current high school students themselves, they brought their passion and knowledge of technology to the kids and pushed them to experiment with the power of expression not only for the little 5 year olds, but for the sassy 16 year olds alike. I think we all discovered through discussion today around our slices of pizza in a rusty old restaurant that this power only grows as we do.

It never fails that when I get the chance to spend time with these young men…I am slapped across the face with how much I have to learn from everyone around me. At times I can tell that they think I am “teaching” them, but I know they are always teaching me. I feel so lucky to learn from these two teachers.

Excited about the logistics of the new youth cooperative idea, Urban Sanctuary, David and Patrick spent time today asking some brilliant questions that pushed me to think deeper about what that place will become, why it will, how it will, and ultimately who it will impact.

Their reactional creativity sparked a fire in all of us that seems to be rising in our bellies in efforts to live our life’s in a constant ever- flowing space where we can create, dream, explore and work alongside people who allow us to be who we are: flawed and brave. This path seems to be lined with struggles. It's not easy or simple. It is the most important thing we may ever do.

As we were explaining these struggles that all of are finding in life right now, Patrick told us this story:

“Fleas can jump 150x their height. Which is really amazing in itself if you think about the biology behind it. They are born with this skill that not many other species have. They know they have it, and they just do it without thinking. However, if you put a flee in a mason jar….it will not stop jumping. It will keep trying for days and days. After two days though, even if you take the lid off, the flea will no longer jump 150x it’s height any longer. It can now only jump as high as the lid. I loved this story cause it so brilliantly explained to me the commonalties between the flee, and the human condition in all us.”

As I watched my young teacher share this lesson with us, I realized a few mason jars I have climbed into myself.  They come in the form of these thoughts that seem to creep in from time to time (sometimes screaming thoughts) that I cannot do something, or that I am not good enough for that….yet. Both David and Patrick shared similar ideas that they needed more time to be great at this or great at that.

I can’t help but think, “Aren’t we born, much like the flees, to jump as high as we would like just because we are innately pretty magnificent?” If you look at the biology alone! 

Maybe it is the cliché to say , you will do exactly what you say you will do. But, it is more then what we say, and even more then what we do. It comes down to what we think. All saying and doing follows.

I can’t help but write this blog with a sense of profound sadness. I think our society in America is one that is constantly forcing lids upon its youth, upon it’s woman, upon minorities, upon white men, upon everyone. These lids start with our education system as a whole, and seems to follow a long line of lids all the way to parenting, mentors who are too busy to build relationships, and leaves us in a unconnected sea of others scattering all around us: searching for their own self worth in never ending circles that somehow quickly become our everyday routines.

I feel like I have to rip lids off my thoughts everyday. Lids about my body, lids about my job, lids about my roles, lids about my feelings, lids about my past, lids about who I am “suppose” to be and who I am constantly becoming. I get exhausted from ripping all these lids off so often, and Patrick so perfectly explained to me why I have been a little worn out recently. In my life right now, there seems to be lots of constant ripping going on coupled with frustrations since I know I put some lids on myself . One could argue that I choose to leave some on from long ago too. One could argue I have created some lids just for me in efforts to not be as happy as I know I can be. Just as I put them on, one could argue I am the only one who can rip them off. 

I look forward to the time when I have less lids.

I have less now then ever so 'progress not perfection' is a good thing to strive for. I think fully understand 'progress not perfection' is healing in itself. Who invented that word "perfect" anyway. That's the world's most awful word.

I am getting exhausted from hitting the lids too, so I would assume that this exhaustion is a good sign- a push for change.

I want Urban Sanctuary to be an open mason jar with no lid. I want it to be, well I NEED it to be ,a place that provides warmth, family, community, love, struggle and discovery through endless searching- even if it means exhaustion sometimes.

Transformation runs deep and begins with our thoughts.