six. Marcus

Our group of free-spirits from all corners of the world had been trying to build a fire on that beach for quite awhile. They finally succumbed to the challenge after seeing the lightening hit the water on the black ocean waters that was touching their toes. The storm was rolling in quickly and the wind kicked sand in our eyes. Watching a storm moving towards me with nothing blocking the view of its rage was simply incredible. And so, as the collective ran to find shelter in the bungalow down the beach, but I hesitated. I saw a man and two dogs sitting near the water as if it were the middle of a sunny day.

I found myself plopped next to him and I asked if he minded. With a sweet voice covered in a heavy german accent, he answered, “ Every thing is better when you can share it.”

So, we sat for a long while.

Soon we noticed tiny specs on the beach start to glow, which meant the plankton was something we could see that night. I mentioned that we should go for a swim since the waters were gaining waves, and the plankton gaining light and we dove in. Marcus was his name- and for the next 20 minutes Marcus and I were totally present in that moment. The warm water, the glow from the plankton, the loud cracks from the thunder, the clouds swirling in front of the moon, and the wet wind hitting our cheeks; calming and frightening at the same time. When we finally climbed out we talked about how a storm like that has a certain way of reminding you of how powerless you over things outside of yourself no matter how hard you try. 

Marcus was an older man, maybe 65. He had sun weathered skin and blue wire framed glasses. He wore a linen shirt and his white hair was bright against the night. When he smiled he only did so with one side of his mouth, but his eyes made up for it. He was genuine and his presence was strong. Marcus shared with me pieces of his life that got him to the island and they echoed many stories I have heard while I take this adventure around the world. He was in love once and had children. He followed the pressures of his parents instead of the guidance of his heart and started what would become a successful business. In his country of Germany, he was known wearing a suit and tie everyday and always thinking about the next big project. He was respected and his family was proud of him and all of his hard work. Years passed and as his children grew up, so did he and his wife grow out of love. “We made time for everything else except for each other, and one day when we woke up, we realized we didn’t know each other anymore.” He told me that with time they have become good friends and he is grateful to have spent so many years with her. And so now, here he was- on Koh Phangan island in Thailand, in a beautiful bungalow on the beach trying to reconnect with himself, with the divine, with things that mattered... things that mattered to him anyway.

I told him how much courage that took to leave a relationship and make some big changes without knowing how it would turn out. He agreed and reminded me that life isn’t over; until it ‘s over and “dealing with being unhappy” is not the way he wanted to live the rest of his days. He also mentioned how much easier it is for him to breathe in a linen shirt versus a tie.

We realized at that moment not a single rain drop has touched us. We smiled at the irony and I thought for a moment maybe our energy and love for this weather built a bubble around us so we could watch it longer.

I moved close to Marcus, kissed him on the cheek and put my arm around him. He squeezed back. Thanks for being here was what we both meant. On my motorbike ride home I realized how many of us are truly trying to figure out what makes us feel happy and then what makes us STAY happy. Those of us that aren’t are simply “dealing with being unhappy”.  Maybe there are a few of us who have already figured it out.

I did this unhappy routine for so many years, and now I too found myself in Thailand- continuing the search for what is true for my happiness as I begin to create a new life for myself- one full of joy, laughter, flexibility, surrender, and love.

It felt really warming to know Marcus was looking too and that many people on that island were there for the same reason.  Our worlds, no matter where you are from very easily become cluttered with the noises of loud expectations, ringing phones and the clanging of material focused goals. So cluttered in fact that it takes an island on the other side of the world to slow some of us down (or maybe that’s just how far I needed to travel to stop hearing the noise.) In our journey, in our searches, I cross paths with others who nudge us along a little faster, and make it easier to be gentle with myself in that process. Marcus was one of those nudges for me.  As I left the island today, I found myself hoping to run into him again some day.