Towfika is a girl from a far away land. She sometimes wears colorful handmade sari’s with beautiful gems on them. She has an infectious laugh, a beautiful smile, long black hair that shines when the sun reflects off of it. I could have listened for hours when she spoke about her culture of Islam, and the studied understanding she had behind her beliefs. She spoke with such pride about her culture and with deep love for her family and country. At 22 years of age she ventured to a village in Cambodia on the Vietnam border and our paths crossed for the first time. For her, it was Ramadan- so Towfika fasted everyday from sunrise to sunset. She woke up in the middle of the night to pray to her God whom she loved with every inch of her soul, and it was easy to see she could feel every inch of his love too. Regardless of her fast, she participated in every task that was presented to her. Coming from Bangladesh- this Cambodian village was sure to present many first time experiences for her. She dove right in to the new waters and didn’t stop swimming untill she left one month later. She played futbol with the boys, even though she was a female and this was not custom for her. She danced with our friends in the strobe lights of a late night club. She cooked for the first time after only ever watching her mother, aunts, and grandmother cook the food she missed so much. She tried Khmer foods, met new people, listened to new ideas.
In a primarily Buddhist country, there were times when people didn’t understand her customs. This country like so many others sees Islam as a foreign religion and the ignorant and hateful stereotypes exist here too. Towfika was questioned constantly about her values and actions and she always answered with patience, honesty, and grace.
Needless to say, I adored Towfika and our time together. On this month long journey I found myself with 4 Interns all incredibly dedicated to becoming better communicators that had the courage to begin new conversations in their male dominated cultures and to create change by looking inward first. I was so proud of them, and I loved all of them for the many lessons they taught me. But, it is Towfika that taught me the strongest lesson of all.
One afternoon, Towfika was sitting on the edge of my bed. With tears in her eyes she told me that it hurt her that I never gave her the encouragment that I gave the other girls. My immediate reaction was: "WHAT??? That’s crazy, I have been admiring you for weeks now. You are wonderful and confident- surely you know that I think that Towfika! "
But, our job in listening is not to think of responses that we can give while someone else is sharing their stories with us. Our job is simply to hear what another is saying. How did a situation make THEM feel, and why are they feeling that way? One of the biggest reminders my girls heard from me often was “ feelings are never wrong.” We feel the way we feel because the pieces of our past and where we are at in processing those pieces in the present.
I practiced these rules of mine more in that moment then another time in the program. It was hard not to get defensive at first.
I thanked her for sharing with me and told her that I was happy we had created a space to be honest about how we feel. It meant this relationship was much deeper then surface level. That alone warmed my heart and can be hard to find in a seemingly disconnected world.
And you know what? She helped me see myself more. I thought about her words for days after that. I criticized my teaching style. I couldn’t believe one of my students felt this way because being an encourager is one of my strengths. Remembering to be gentle with myself, and choosing to dig deeper I realized that I saw Towfika as confident. I saw her as strong and this resulted in the idea (subconsciously) that she may not need as much verbal support as others. It seems I had decided she was like me. As soon as I did that- in many ways I stopped viewing her for who she was. I filled in many pieces of her story with my own. I stopped being curious. I realized I sometimes place people in this category or another and then treat them accordingly; treat them as I feel they need to be treated based on the fragments I know about them, instead of asking them what’s right for them. Maybe more importantly, when I do that I stop asking what they need.
In that moment I realized how much I could identify with her feelings. The comment, “you are strong so it will be easy for you” is one that I have resented my whole life. It is a comment that always seems to come at a time when I needed encouragement and acknowledgement the most that life is just hard for everyone sometimes. It’s hard for everyone sometimes no matter what side of yourself you choose to show to the world most often.
What box am I putting people in? What harm am I causing their heart, and their development by shoving them in there? Because Towfika had the courage to tell me how that was affecting her- I have become much more aware of when I am doing this. My interactions seem to be more authentic since then. It takes pressure off me to guess what people need since I will not know if I do not ask.
Towfika is a young woman from Bangladesh that I admire. Not only because of who she so fully all of the time, but because of this gift she has taught me that will continue to free me from judgement and fill those spaces with more love instead.
To have met her and shared time with her in that small village in Cambodia, will change my path forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment