nineteen. Chasing the Sun.

I have been waking up in the dark of the morning for this whole week. 

My bike has been leaning on the pillars of my front porch waiting out the stormy weather of winter. 

I figured today was the day that it was time to take it out, and go find the sunrise. 

Since I now live near the middle of the trail, I had to decide which way to go, and I opted for the direction I usually don’t take, since that would lead me right to the morning rays. 

A similar blog has been written one hundred times I am sure, how taking a new way showed me many new things- things I pass everyday in the confines of my car, but never notice. This narrative is true for me too and it’s always a good reminder the importance of risk, change, new things, un-comfortability. 

However, my lesson today was different. I went on this ride to see the sunrise. I intended to find the perfect spot on one of those bridges and breathe, breathe , breathe deeply. At that perfect spot I had big plans to let some thoughts drift away with the currents below in that big river I never spend enough time around. I just wanted to be lost for a minute and make my mind quiet down. 

I have no where to be this morning. I don’t have the opportunity to punch a clock or meet for coffee, yet I was racing to get somewhere. 

I realized I was afraid that if I didn’t get to that “perfect spot” soon enough, I may miss the sky begin to light up with pinks and oranges, but it was still dark. Of course I wouldn’t miss it, and when I did get there and watch this whole magnificent setting, soon the sun would rise and leave again till the next day. 

It’s the simplest noticing of this fear that I won’t make it in time, this fear that if I don’t get there- I will miss it, it will leave. 

Life passing by. 

Today, I was chasing the sunrise. 

Everyday, I chase many things. 

Especially these days. I am chasing a degree, I am chasing a certain date where I can jump on a plane to return to Thailand, I am chasing happiness, I am chasing sleep, I am chasing time to hoping that if I catch it it may slow down, or speed up. I am chasing love. Chasing…..

At that moment, I stopped my bike. I climbed off and I sat down. The sun came up and today the colors were breath taking. I wondered if the cars on all these bridges noticed it. I wondered what they were chasing and if they were chasing life too.

I sat for as long as my mind would allow me, and than got up to finish the 12 miles I had left. The mindset of “knock this out, shower, get to work- kick this days ass" set in. More chasing. But, as I find in so many moments in my life, the universe gently and lovingly pushed me to remain still for a little while longer. 

The trail was closed the long way, so I had to go back- and take the farthest bridge I never go to. This bridge is new to the city, and goes by my school and over the part of the river that is quiet and calm and this particular morning was full of layers of drifting fog. I slowed down the pace of my ride, recognizing (again, didn’t I just learn this lesson) my constant need to be moving fast enough, or in the right direction. I tried again and from a deep place I heard echoed, "take your time." 

This detour took me over by my school, and through Little Rock’s downtown that I spend so much time in, but yet somehow it feels foreign to me. 

More reminders of just how fast I move.

This whole time the sun was still rising. It really took it’s time today..or maybe I took mine. 

I am grateful beyond words for these gentle pushes from the world. I would much rather be pushed than continue to chase all these things that will come in their own time, at the perfect time.  

I read a blog recently called F*** Happiness, I want Freedom. It was about the ebs and flows that come with life. The ups and downs of this whole complicated journey. The author wanted sadness sometimes, and chaos once in awhile. She wanted madness, and extremely happy, and deep pain that we find in our hearts from love, and she was tired of always thinking about how she could be MORE happy. 

Maybe the trick is to stop thinking about it so much -which is hard for me since I often put "constantly happy" as the indicator of lots of personal growth and healthy relationships. 

But, I am wrong and I know it. 

Happiness comes and goes like all things, the beautiful sunrise I was able to be apart of today, included. Deep happiness comes from a place no can seem to find, but we all have.

I think we all have happiness and it’s not about running after it fast enough in efforts to catch it and make it your own. It’s about accepting and allowing. Don’t get me wrong folks this so hard to do. It requires massive amounts of self-love and authentic rebellion against the way the world teaches us to be. I am failing at it.

I want freedom too. 

I have a hunch that more bike rides for no good reason with no good goal will help me practice all of these things more.